It's been nearly a year since I came off the medication. The drugs I was given were used to control the after effects of my 2004 drug overdose. In the wake of that, I was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder.
I'm not going to lie; it's not been an easy twelve months. There's been a lot of ups and downs and a lot of learning. Emotions have been bubbling to the surface and sometimes I haven't been sure of what they were. Anger? Exhaustion? Happiness? It's all been a little confusing but I finally feel like I'm getting a handle on it. As every day dawns, I ask “What am I going to learn today?”.
Grief has been a recent emotion I've been dealing with. Grief for what's been and gone. Grief for the years I feel like I lost to recovery. Grief for the things that have happened and the people that have come and gone from my life. Grief as I debate whether to lay long held dreams to rest and live the hand that I've been dealt.
But I refuse to give up. I believe that I have more to give this world than what you read in my books or on here. Keeping going is hard. It's like battering your head against a brick wall. It's like trying to break down walls with a fork. It's like long, endless nights of crying as you try not to slip back into the comforting depths of depression. It's being strong when your body and brain just want to give up.
I could choose between darkness or light, between the crippling depression or the brightness of love. Being evil and vindictive felt good. But that flicker of power was just that; a brief burst in an otherwise bleak world. To choose happiness, and to be happy, felt so much better. And it wasn't for me. It wasn't a choice of ego. Rather it was the happiness at seeing people smile and laugh. It was the beauty of a sunrise, the joy of a song, or the pleasure of a favourite snack. It was about enjoying the little things in life while working on the bigger things. It was, and still is, about letting go of the negative people and situations that were dragging me down. It's been about letting go of the hurt from the past; attacks, drug and alcohol abuse, and people who've seen someone who they can abuse. It was about being kind rather than cruel. Most of all, it was about being comfortable with myself and who I am rather than seeking out those dark corners of drama and dispute.
It was about not letting the darkness win again.